Loneliness is a complicated thing, or at least it seems to me.
There are plenty of times when I'm by myself and I'm not lonely at all. And being alone in a crowd is an old cliche'.
So what is loneliness, really?
I don't really have an answer, but I have a piece of one. I felt super-lonely today. Not just any loneliness, but a writer's loneliness. Writers put a lot of love and sweat and pain and joy into their books. You'd think that the months or even years of effort would eventually pay off, but art isn't like that. Art is brutal that way. I've read a lot of books that have heart and a great idea … and the writing is totally in the way. I've also seen really great prose attempting to dress up a lame idea that's been done a thousand times better on a hundred different tv series. (I know, the character will travel back in time and start the chain of events that leads to his own birth ….)
So when I say that, as a writer, I felt lonely, it has layers of ugly meaning, like a mud pie made of actual mud. There's that feeling that no one is reading your work. There's the feeling that the people who wrote the negative reviews are spot on, and that the other reviews are people just being nice and encouraging. There's the sense that you're not just wasting your time, but everyone else's.
That's pretty damned lonely. It's like working on a house with your own hands for months, and having an inspector come out and say the foundation isn't up to code and it all has to come down. It's hearing your lover tell you that they haven't loved you in a long time and that they've been faking it for years for the sake of the children. It's feeling useless, unwanted, inept and pitiful all wrapped up in beautiful binding that should have been covering a much better book.
Do these feelings stop me from writing? No. But it makes for a tough day. Tomorrow, though, will be better. I have high days and low days, but most days are in the middle and the lows never hang around for long. I'm very fortunate that way. I'm grateful that these funks don't last long. It usually isn't encouragement that pulls me out. More often than not it's exercise and a good night's sleep. I'll be doing the sleeping part shortly. I hope you all have sweet dreams, and that your work leads you all to great success.